Life of a Rock Star
Date Night
February/04/2010 10:23 AM Filed in: Humor | Husbands | Couples | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
Date Night
By Nicole Hanratty
When it comes to date night, I feel just like the kid in Sixteen Candles whose parents are pushing him into the high school dance as he’s resisting, “I wanna go home. I wanna be with you guys!” Only in our scenario, it’s the kids pushing us out the front door because the babysitter is way more fun, as is our house without Mom and Dad. But it is the one night of the week when my husband and I know we get to walk away from the house, leave our concerns behind—hypothetically—and enjoy an adult dinner at a nice restaurant (sans the overpriced penne pasta with butter).
Ironically, dining alone seems to produce record speed service in even the finest of dining establishments. The beverages, bread and appetizer seem to appear within minutes of us being seated and the waiter stands eager by our tableside to take our entrée order. If we bring children to the same restaurant, it could be twenty minutes before we see a morsel of bread or a sip of water, which produces grumpy, hungry and restless kids. Likely the entire ordeal will take a full two hours—I have always postured that they must have to run to the market and buy the mac n’ cheese to make for the kiddies—with us paying $25.00 per bowl of cheesy noodles and wishing we had just gone to CPK which the kids were begging for in the first place. However when the hubby and I show up alone ready to relax and enjoy a fully pampered three-course two-hour meal, we are in and out in fifty-five minutes flat. Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
When it comes to date night, I feel just like the kid in Sixteen Candles whose parents are pushing him into the high school dance as he’s resisting, “I wanna go home. I wanna be with you guys!” Only in our scenario, it’s the kids pushing us out the front door because the babysitter is way more fun, as is our house without Mom and Dad. But it is the one night of the week when my husband and I know we get to walk away from the house, leave our concerns behind—hypothetically—and enjoy an adult dinner at a nice restaurant (sans the overpriced penne pasta with butter).
Ironically, dining alone seems to produce record speed service in even the finest of dining establishments. The beverages, bread and appetizer seem to appear within minutes of us being seated and the waiter stands eager by our tableside to take our entrée order. If we bring children to the same restaurant, it could be twenty minutes before we see a morsel of bread or a sip of water, which produces grumpy, hungry and restless kids. Likely the entire ordeal will take a full two hours—I have always postured that they must have to run to the market and buy the mac n’ cheese to make for the kiddies—with us paying $25.00 per bowl of cheesy noodles and wishing we had just gone to CPK which the kids were begging for in the first place. However when the hubby and I show up alone ready to relax and enjoy a fully pampered three-course two-hour meal, we are in and out in fifty-five minutes flat. Read More...
2010 Hot Topics
2010 Observations (So far...)
By Nicole Hanratty
1. It's now easier for a women over the age of 40 to find a husband than it is to find a job.
2. The "Good Life" has been sent a notice of abandonment, (even by those who can still afford it).
3. Dear Mr. President, Vegas is on our "Not Giving Up No Matter What" list, along with our hairdressers and home shopping network habit. Sincerely, The USA
4. Celebrity glamour is what it used to be.
5. Everything everyone says can be you-tubed, tweeted, facebooked, and blogged for all eternity to remember, unfortunately. (Our poor kids.) Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
1. It's now easier for a women over the age of 40 to find a husband than it is to find a job.
2. The "Good Life" has been sent a notice of abandonment, (even by those who can still afford it).
3. Dear Mr. President, Vegas is on our "Not Giving Up No Matter What" list, along with our hairdressers and home shopping network habit. Sincerely, The USA
4. Celebrity glamour is what it used to be.
5. Everything everyone says can be you-tubed, tweeted, facebooked, and blogged for all eternity to remember, unfortunately. (Our poor kids.) Read More...
Garage Tells All
February/01/2010 11:35 AM Filed in: Humor | Women | Storage | Life Stages | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty
Garage Tells All
By Nicole Hanratty
The vast majority of us all start out in the same place post college--renting an apartment and dreaming of the day we will sign our life away to a mortgage and have shelter we can call our own that includes our very own garage. In these youthful and optimistic days, we see a white sparkling clean well-organized space that perfectly fits our car, bicycle, washer and dryer, along with a cabinet that can be used to store a few mementos.
Within days of having the coveted keys to the new front door, we surrender and designate the garage for all of the boxes of things we have accumulated over the years and have no idea what to do with, yet we begged our parents to save. The tennis racket circa 1980s, soccer trophies, the art work from first grade, the notes we passed back and forth to our best friends in junior high school--back when they still called it junior high--fill boxes that we forgot even existed until the day Mom and Dad showed up with them in lieu of a house warming present. They muttered something sweet like, "Here's all your crap," then pulled away faster than Mario Andretti. Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
The vast majority of us all start out in the same place post college--renting an apartment and dreaming of the day we will sign our life away to a mortgage and have shelter we can call our own that includes our very own garage. In these youthful and optimistic days, we see a white sparkling clean well-organized space that perfectly fits our car, bicycle, washer and dryer, along with a cabinet that can be used to store a few mementos.
Within days of having the coveted keys to the new front door, we surrender and designate the garage for all of the boxes of things we have accumulated over the years and have no idea what to do with, yet we begged our parents to save. The tennis racket circa 1980s, soccer trophies, the art work from first grade, the notes we passed back and forth to our best friends in junior high school--back when they still called it junior high--fill boxes that we forgot even existed until the day Mom and Dad showed up with them in lieu of a house warming present. They muttered something sweet like, "Here's all your crap," then pulled away faster than Mario Andretti. Read More...
H1N1 Vaccine
November/02/2009 10:16 AM Filed in: Satire | Humor | Health | Moms | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
by Nicole Hanratty
As a world community, we are up in arms over H1N1. We don't know if we should brush it off as an over-hyped media blitz reminiscent of the Richard Heene story, a government hyped political story to get health care reform passed (as Rush Limbaugh would argue), or whether we should just follow along and line up for the vaccination. Either way you slice it, the mounting number of young people from H1N1 this fall flu season is--without question--alarming.
Throwing paranoia to the wind, I admit I found myself in line. The benefits seemed to outweigh the risk with my family full of underlying conditions. (Everyone will handle this crises differently and opinions seem to get heated when you bring up the topic for discussion, so I am not in any way suggesting that any one should get this vaccine. Consult your doctor, your priest, your personal guru or your mother but do not interpret this as advice in way, shape or formation.)
For three hours I was entertained by the countless number of cameras, photographers, reporters, news vans, satellite dishes, radio djs, and personalities, including the man in front of us who listened to me quiz my child for a history test then explained a little more that we should know and told us about the book he wrote that he was promoting while in line. (Here's another plug for his book: Jacob's Rescue by Michael Halperin.) Hundreds of people, mothers with toddlers, pregnant women, health care professionals, teachers and critically ill patients were all brought together for one common cause: to fight the flu (or to report on fighting it).
Read More...
Histerectomy
October/27/2009 09:03 PM Filed in: Satire | Humor | Health | Women | Husbands | Life of a Rock Star | Diane Bittiker
Written by Diane Bittiker
Edited by Nicole Hanratty
Hysterectomy: removal of part or all of the uterus. Derived from the Greek word hystera (womb) with the former notion being that hysterical women were suffering from disturbances of the womb. (Hence removing the uterus was believed to relieve a woman's hysterical behavior.)
The ancient Greeks may have been masters at throwing the javelin, but when it comes to trying to pinpoint the cause of a woman's hysteria they were way off the mark.
Having just had a hysterectomy--I can tell you first hand--my hysteria is still going strong drumming right along side the Duracell bunny. If hysteria was supposed to be removed with my womb then my doctor didn't get the memo.
My hysterical condition was diagnosed a few months back. My physician said my uterus had seen its' days and I would be better off without the old plumbing.
Telling my darling husband (here on referred to as DH*) went well, (I suppose), if you consider "Isn't that an ol' lady surgery" a positive response. He is very funny that sweet man, maybe even hysterical. Read More...
Request Responses
October/05/2009 01:39 PM Filed in: Humor | Moms | Fun | Family | Husbands | Satire | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
by Nicole Hanratty
Over the years, I have learned that a wife and mother's job description really knows no boundaries. Whether it is wiping tushies, refilling kleenex boxes, cleaning up trails of vomit, making costumes, baking cookies, selling raffle tickets, purchasing gifts for random strangers or driving from here to Chicago in search of the right sport shoes, there seems to be no limit of what my loved ones will request of me after they spout the word "Honey" or "Mom."
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change hearing these terms of endearment for anything else in the world. It is the dragged out slow question forming ending to the word "Honey" and "Mom" that gives me pause. Here it comes, what will they ask of me next? Read More...
Morning Coffee
by Nicole Hanratty
I can't be the only one who is groggy in the morning, can I? I would love to proclaim myself as one who jumps out of bed to greet the sunrise with a smile, but no can do. Never had it, never will. Morning cheeriness is not my thing.
Even when I was a school girl I remember my dad, (who had been up for three hours and already consumed a pot of coffee), trying to discuss world politics with me at 7 AM. Bless him. He was trying to send me off for the day with a sense of what was going on in the world and all I could do was grunt at him as I picked at my cereal. Read More...
Closet Catharsis
Closet Catharsis
by Diane Bittiker
I have to thank you for telling me your theory on clothes. I usually go through my closet at least once a year but today was the most thorough I have ever been.
I have to admit that at first, I was hesitant about the idea of casting my dearly beloved articles of clothing into the newly designated empty donation "bag." Yet when I started to look closer at what I had hanging in my overflowing closet--keeping the "when did I wear it last" question in mind--I realized it was time to get down to business.
For starters, did I need three identical pink polo shirts? NO! Out with two of them.
How about the shirt with only a "small" hole in it? Gone. The shirt missing a button? Nope. The 1980s blouse with the wide lapels? The too small blazer that hasn't been worn for at least a decade? Out! Out! Out! Read More...
"How To" Refill the Soap Dispenser
by Nicole Hanratty
It's tricky, I know. You actually have to pull the top off of the soap dispenser to squirt more liquid inside. It takes a bit of effort but the rewards are spectacular! Once you replace the lid--Voila!--one press produces enough soap to wash a sink full of dishes.
Just follow three easy steps: 1) Remove top. 2) Pour more soap inside the container--we keep the refill bottle under the kitchen sink--and leave an inch or so of space on top. 3) Slide the pump back inside. Read More...
Life of a Rock Star Birthday
My sister Gina's birthday was this week and she has been kind enough to share with our readers what a real Life of a Rock Star™ Mom's birthday is all about:
• Get served breakfast in bed. Well, why wouldn't she wake up to her kids and hubby bringing her steaming hot coffee, crunchy toast and not over-cooked-with-a-dash-of-cheese scrambled eggs while she slowly awakens to the beautiful day? Maybe because her sweet hubby doesn't know how to push the 'On' button for the coffee maker--even though she had gotten it all ready the night before--and needed our Life of a Rock Star™ Mom to head down the steps to get the java brewing. "Oh honey, while you're down there can you just get out your special bread, (she has Celiac Sprue), from the freezer 'cause we're not sure where it is?" Then climb back in bed to enjoy your prepared meal. Read More...
• Get served breakfast in bed. Well, why wouldn't she wake up to her kids and hubby bringing her steaming hot coffee, crunchy toast and not over-cooked-with-a-dash-of-cheese scrambled eggs while she slowly awakens to the beautiful day? Maybe because her sweet hubby doesn't know how to push the 'On' button for the coffee maker--even though she had gotten it all ready the night before--and needed our Life of a Rock Star™ Mom to head down the steps to get the java brewing. "Oh honey, while you're down there can you just get out your special bread, (she has Celiac Sprue), from the freezer 'cause we're not sure where it is?" Then climb back in bed to enjoy your prepared meal. Read More...
Oscar's Coming
February/20/2009 04:33 PM Filed in: Events | Entertainment
by Nicole Hanratty
I love movies. If I had to pick one thing that I had to do every day for the rest of my life, it would be watch a movie. Everyday is a perfect movie day to me. Whether it's cold and rainy out or bright and sunny, there is no place I would rather be than soaking up the creativity of Hollywood.
Sunday night I will be glue to the television watching who wins, who they thank, and what they are wearing.
I have just a few hopes: Read More...
Mammogram Fun
By Nicole Hanratty
Okay so no one really has fun getting a mammogram, but they are so important to have annually that I figure I may as well find the humor in them to encourage women everywhere to make that dreaded phone call, schedule an appointment and get their boobies squeezed.
Never had one? Check your modesty at the door. Read More...
Living the Life of a Rock Star™
by Nicole Hanratty
Ever wonder why, as a mother, you can spend 20 minutes on a Saturday morning standing in front of your husband and daughter trying to engage in conversation with no response until you walk away to use the bathroom?
“Knock! Knock! Knock!” Someone is pounding on the bathroom door as if it can’t wait.
“Is somebody bleeding?” I holler as I instantly revert back to my camp counselor days.
“No, but I just wanted to tell you Mommy that next week at school I want hot lunch on Tuesday.”
“Okay honey. I’ll jot that down on a tiny piece of toilet paper.”
“Knock! Knock! Knock!”
“Yeeeessss....” Now I have realized my fate.
“Oh, honey, you’re in there,” my husband responds as if he has just discovered me after a long journey.
I mean really, if I’m not in the kitchen or the laundry room, where else would I be? Read More...
