Humor
Date Night
February/04/2010 10:23 AM Filed in: Humor | Husbands | Couples | Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star
Date Night
By Nicole Hanratty
When it comes to date night, I feel just like the kid in Sixteen Candles whose parents are pushing him into the high school dance as he’s resisting, “I wanna go home. I wanna be with you guys!” Only in our scenario, it’s the kids pushing us out the front door because the babysitter is way more fun, as is our house without Mom and Dad. But it is the one night of the week when my husband and I know we get to walk away from the house, leave our concerns behind—hypothetically—and enjoy an adult dinner at a nice restaurant (sans the overpriced penne pasta with butter).
Ironically, dining alone seems to produce record speed service in even the finest of dining establishments. The beverages, bread and appetizer seem to appear within minutes of us being seated and the waiter stands eager by our tableside to take our entrée order. If we bring children to the same restaurant, it could be twenty minutes before we see a morsel of bread or a sip of water, which produces grumpy, hungry and restless kids. Likely the entire ordeal will take a full two hours—I have always postured that they must have to run to the market and buy the mac n’ cheese to make for the kiddies—with us paying $25.00 per bowl of cheesy noodles and wishing we had just gone to CPK which the kids were begging for in the first place. However when the hubby and I show up alone ready to relax and enjoy a fully pampered three-course two-hour meal, we are in and out in fifty-five minutes flat. Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
When it comes to date night, I feel just like the kid in Sixteen Candles whose parents are pushing him into the high school dance as he’s resisting, “I wanna go home. I wanna be with you guys!” Only in our scenario, it’s the kids pushing us out the front door because the babysitter is way more fun, as is our house without Mom and Dad. But it is the one night of the week when my husband and I know we get to walk away from the house, leave our concerns behind—hypothetically—and enjoy an adult dinner at a nice restaurant (sans the overpriced penne pasta with butter).
Ironically, dining alone seems to produce record speed service in even the finest of dining establishments. The beverages, bread and appetizer seem to appear within minutes of us being seated and the waiter stands eager by our tableside to take our entrée order. If we bring children to the same restaurant, it could be twenty minutes before we see a morsel of bread or a sip of water, which produces grumpy, hungry and restless kids. Likely the entire ordeal will take a full two hours—I have always postured that they must have to run to the market and buy the mac n’ cheese to make for the kiddies—with us paying $25.00 per bowl of cheesy noodles and wishing we had just gone to CPK which the kids were begging for in the first place. However when the hubby and I show up alone ready to relax and enjoy a fully pampered three-course two-hour meal, we are in and out in fifty-five minutes flat. Read More...
2010 Hot Topics
2010 Observations (So far...)
By Nicole Hanratty
1. It's now easier for a women over the age of 40 to find a husband than it is to find a job.
2. The "Good Life" has been sent a notice of abandonment, (even by those who can still afford it).
3. Dear Mr. President, Vegas is on our "Not Giving Up No Matter What" list, along with our hairdressers and home shopping network habit. Sincerely, The USA
4. Celebrity glamour is what it used to be.
5. Everything everyone says can be you-tubed, tweeted, facebooked, and blogged for all eternity to remember, unfortunately. (Our poor kids.) Read More...
By Nicole Hanratty
1. It's now easier for a women over the age of 40 to find a husband than it is to find a job.
2. The "Good Life" has been sent a notice of abandonment, (even by those who can still afford it).
3. Dear Mr. President, Vegas is on our "Not Giving Up No Matter What" list, along with our hairdressers and home shopping network habit. Sincerely, The USA
4. Celebrity glamour is what it used to be.
5. Everything everyone says can be you-tubed, tweeted, facebooked, and blogged for all eternity to remember, unfortunately. (Our poor kids.) Read More...
Histerectomy
October/27/2009 09:03 PM Filed in: Satire | Humor | Health | Women | Husbands | Life of a Rock Star | Diane Bittiker
Written by Diane Bittiker
Edited by Nicole Hanratty
Hysterectomy: removal of part or all of the uterus. Derived from the Greek word hystera (womb) with the former notion being that hysterical women were suffering from disturbances of the womb. (Hence removing the uterus was believed to relieve a woman's hysterical behavior.)
The ancient Greeks may have been masters at throwing the javelin, but when it comes to trying to pinpoint the cause of a woman's hysteria they were way off the mark.
Having just had a hysterectomy--I can tell you first hand--my hysteria is still going strong drumming right along side the Duracell bunny. If hysteria was supposed to be removed with my womb then my doctor didn't get the memo.
My hysterical condition was diagnosed a few months back. My physician said my uterus had seen its' days and I would be better off without the old plumbing.
Telling my darling husband (here on referred to as DH*) went well, (I suppose), if you consider "Isn't that an ol' lady surgery" a positive response. He is very funny that sweet man, maybe even hysterical. Read More...
Morning Coffee
by Nicole Hanratty
I can't be the only one who is groggy in the morning, can I? I would love to proclaim myself as one who jumps out of bed to greet the sunrise with a smile, but no can do. Never had it, never will. Morning cheeriness is not my thing.
Even when I was a school girl I remember my dad, (who had been up for three hours and already consumed a pot of coffee), trying to discuss world politics with me at 7 AM. Bless him. He was trying to send me off for the day with a sense of what was going on in the world and all I could do was grunt at him as I picked at my cereal. Read More...
Shopping Malls Close: What Will Open in their Place?
May/22/2009 08:32 AM Filed in: Shopping | Humor | Satire | Economy | Recession | Life of a Rock Star | Nicole Hanratty
As shopping malls across the country feel the economic crunch in sales, and shops close down like dominoes falling one after another, malls are becoming hollow empty shells of a past culture that is coming to an end. [See WSJ Recession Turns Malls Into Ghost Towns, Friday, May 22, 2009] Dinosaurs of their times, these oversized massive structures no longer fit the needs or desires of today’s youth or consumers that once drove their success.
Like it or not, the era of excess is over as even the wealthiest cut back and second guess expenditures, and we are all about to face a reality check like never before.
Reality Check No. 1:
We may have to actually drive more than a few miles to get to a shopping mall or store. Public transport may become desirable. Community may resurface. Neighbors may once again need to share home grown produce and cups of sugar...maybe even learn each other’s names.
Read More...
Like it or not, the era of excess is over as even the wealthiest cut back and second guess expenditures, and we are all about to face a reality check like never before.
Reality Check No. 1:
We may have to actually drive more than a few miles to get to a shopping mall or store. Public transport may become desirable. Community may resurface. Neighbors may once again need to share home grown produce and cups of sugar...maybe even learn each other’s names.
Read More...
Estate Planning & Procrastinating
The dreaded estate planning... Ugh, need I say more? We’ve had the checklists of items to gather up for the attorney for days, weeks, okay months. It has sat on our desks staring at us the way mortality often does, frightening imminent and, at the same time, impossible. But the day had arrived to deliver our paperwork and sign our lives away.
(Don’t worry, you can keep reading. There’s no sales pitch for anyone or anything or in any way associated with this article. Nor will you find ads for estate planners at the bottom of it. I promise. Scroll down and check if you like.)
From where I stand, the world of invincibility is a fabulous place to live when the alternative is having to talk or think about the (God forbid) world our kids would face if we were to (God Forbid) die while they are still young. Did I say God forbid? (God forbid.) Spit spit. Tu tu. Salt over the shoulder. Read More...
(Don’t worry, you can keep reading. There’s no sales pitch for anyone or anything or in any way associated with this article. Nor will you find ads for estate planners at the bottom of it. I promise. Scroll down and check if you like.)
From where I stand, the world of invincibility is a fabulous place to live when the alternative is having to talk or think about the (God forbid) world our kids would face if we were to (God Forbid) die while they are still young. Did I say God forbid? (God forbid.) Spit spit. Tu tu. Salt over the shoulder. Read More...
"How To" Refill the Soap Dispenser
by Nicole Hanratty
It's tricky, I know. You actually have to pull the top off of the soap dispenser to squirt more liquid inside. It takes a bit of effort but the rewards are spectacular! Once you replace the lid--Voila!--one press produces enough soap to wash a sink full of dishes.
Just follow three easy steps: 1) Remove top. 2) Pour more soap inside the container--we keep the refill bottle under the kitchen sink--and leave an inch or so of space on top. 3) Slide the pump back inside. Read More...
Funny Signs of the Times
by Nicole Hanratty
Seems as if the financial credit markets have finally loosened up. Fortunate Southern California residents can apply for financial aid for... their hair cuts*?
Yes, times are tough and no one can get a loan to purchase a house, car or help stock their small business shelves but this is an encouraging sign that some aid is still available. Read More...
Inferiority Complex
Inferiority Complex
by Nicole Hanratty
It's not easy being the ultra-successful Tracy Bobbitt's friend.
Sure, there are days when she is ready to pull her hair out because
she has triple booked her 2:00 P.M. time slot with three different
appointments in three different counties to discuss ten new projects
of which she is completely overwhelmed by and I think, "Sucks to be
her!" But, truthfully, even then I am jealous.
This week alone, she is off to the east coast honoring her father--
along with a hundred other United States Senators--as he receives a
lifetime achievement award. In my lifetime I won't know anyone so
special as to deserve such accolades, yet this is her progenitor.
While at the same time, back on the west coast, this week her daughter
Jordan is off filming a movie--The Hangover--and her husband, Russell Bobbitt, is rocking the props on set. Did I mention that Tracy is also taking multiple orders from
elite stores such as Kitson, Beverly Hills which are clambering to get
her Crib Rock Couture on their shelves for the holidays? Read More...
by Nicole Hanratty
It's not easy being the ultra-successful Tracy Bobbitt's friend.
Sure, there are days when she is ready to pull her hair out because
she has triple booked her 2:00 P.M. time slot with three different
appointments in three different counties to discuss ten new projects
of which she is completely overwhelmed by and I think, "Sucks to be
her!" But, truthfully, even then I am jealous.
This week alone, she is off to the east coast honoring her father--
along with a hundred other United States Senators--as he receives a
lifetime achievement award. In my lifetime I won't know anyone so
special as to deserve such accolades, yet this is her progenitor.
While at the same time, back on the west coast, this week her daughter
Jordan is off filming a movie--The Hangover--and her husband, Russell Bobbitt, is rocking the props on set. Did I mention that Tracy is also taking multiple orders from
elite stores such as Kitson, Beverly Hills which are clambering to get
her Crib Rock Couture on their shelves for the holidays? Read More...
Mammogram Fun
By Nicole Hanratty
Okay so no one really has fun getting a mammogram, but they are so important to have annually that I figure I may as well find the humor in them to encourage women everywhere to make that dreaded phone call, schedule an appointment and get their boobies squeezed.
Never had one? Check your modesty at the door. Read More...
Dog Flight
June/30/2008 01:48 PM Filed in: Nicole Hanratty | Life of a Rock Star | Family | Satire | Dogs | Humor | Travel
by Nicole Hanratty
Family vacations are always fun! They really bring out the best in marriages. Find me a couple traveling with children and I’ll show you a husband and wife who are bickering over the responsibilities that go along with it. Throw a dog into the traveling mix and I’ll show you an all out battle.
Were it not against all laws of matrimony, the picture above would be of my loving husband asleep with his mouth wide open sitting on the plane totally oblivious to the world around him. Which brings me to the nice man who was, unfortunately for him, seated next to me and left to fill my hubby’s sleeping shoes. Read More...
Charity Function Mayhem
by Nicole Hanratty
What could be more fun at a charity function than observing the “haves” put it all on the line for the “have-nots”? It’s certainly amusing to watch how the grown-ups behave when they get a night out to play...
What might you notice? Here’s my top ten checklist that hits the mark every time: Read More...
Did You Get the Hash Browns?
February/05/2008 03:49 PM Filed in: Moms | Nicole Hanratty | Humor | Husbands | Life of a Rock Star | Satire | Shopping
by Nicole Hanratty
It’s seven a.m. My day started two hours ago. (Self-imposed; no need for violins.) But any minute now, my adorable husband will return home from the gym, open the refrigerator and ask me, “Did you get the hash browns yet?” I will have to reply, “No.”
Yes, it is true; we have been out of them for over a week. But I have not been to the Hash Brown Market in over a week. (Fever, flu, strep throat- but really, no excuses please!) His sad face will make me feel guilty as if I don’t do anything else during the day and I really have no valid reason for not providing him with his beloved hash browns.
But this is really just the tip of the iceberg. My shortcomings fall so much greater than this.
Here is a list of other things I have not yet done: Read More...
