Satire
Celebrity Life
June/08/2010 09:20 AM
Celebrity Life
by Nicole Hanratty
Sometimes life's funniest moments are served with brown rice and fried tofu. Last night I was mid-bite savoring the spicy tang of PF Chang's Ma Po Tofu, when my mother-in-law announced that she had heard--and by the way she was waving her pointed finger back and forth at me and my husband seemed to think was accurate and true about us--that our generation's big problem is that we all want to live a celebrity life. I was speechless. Not because I had a mouthful of food, but because our lives couldn't be further from celebrity or wanna be celebrity status if we tried. No, you won't find us pulling a Salahi stunt any time soon.
For starters, we rarely leave the house. We avoid social gatherings like they're the plague and we can count the number of people interested in our lives on one hand. Okay, maybe two if you count our family members.
Yes, we tend to wear our sunglasses everywhere we go but that's simply because we're concerned with UV rays affecting our long term vision, not because we're worried about being spotted by the paparazzi. (And, sometimes it's to avoid frightening innocent bystanders when I've left home without makeup.)
How can I be certain we aren't trying to live like celebrities? Hmm... Tricky question since my answer is bound to be biassed. But, we do live in a celebrity studded community so I will compare our lives to theirs and let you be the judge.
In full disclosure, real celebrities do engage in mundane everyday tasks just like we do and deal with difficult medical/social/family issues that come with well, being human. They can be seen dropping off at carpool or waiting for their child to finish a high-school placement test, but that is where I see the similarities ending.
Celebrities are sent things for free while we, on the other hand, purchase everything we own at full price. Their names get them in the door while we wait like maroons* at the back of a line arguing about whether or not my less than suave hubby should make another awkward attempt at slipping the host some cash to get us in before our ten o'clock bedtime arrives. They are invited to galas while we are headed off to Home Depot to purchase more plants for the garden where you are likely to find us "oooing and awwing" over our very first apples blooming on our recently planted tree. (See photo above.) They are headed off to fabulous places on a whim via their private jets while we are depositing change at the local Coinstar machine getting our thrills from the digital display as it counts up our cash as if we've won a jackpot. Read More...
H1N1 Vaccine
November/02/2009 10:16 AM
by Nicole Hanratty
As a world community, we are up in arms over H1N1. We don't know if we should brush it off as an over-hyped media blitz reminiscent of the Richard Heene story, a government hyped political story to get health care reform passed (as Rush Limbaugh would argue), or whether we should just follow along and line up for the vaccination. Either way you slice it, the mounting number of young people from H1N1 this fall flu season is--without question--alarming.
Throwing paranoia to the wind, I admit I found myself in line. The benefits seemed to outweigh the risk with my family full of underlying conditions. (Everyone will handle this crises differently and opinions seem to get heated when you bring up the topic for discussion, so I am not in any way suggesting that any one should get this vaccine. Consult your doctor, your priest, your personal guru or your mother but do not interpret this as advice in way, shape or formation.)
For three hours I was entertained by the countless number of cameras, photographers, reporters, news vans, satellite dishes, radio djs, and personalities, including the man in front of us who listened to me quiz my child for a history test then explained a little more that we should know and told us about the book he wrote that he was promoting while in line. (Here's another plug for his book: Jacob's Rescue by Michael Halperin.) Hundreds of people, mothers with toddlers, pregnant women, health care professionals, teachers and critically ill patients were all brought together for one common cause: to fight the flu (or to report on fighting it).
Read More...
Histerectomy
October/27/2009 09:03 PM
Written by Diane Bittiker
Edited by Nicole Hanratty
Hysterectomy: removal of part or all of the uterus. Derived from the Greek word hystera (womb) with the former notion being that hysterical women were suffering from disturbances of the womb. (Hence removing the uterus was believed to relieve a woman's hysterical behavior.)
The ancient Greeks may have been masters at throwing the javelin, but when it comes to trying to pinpoint the cause of a woman's hysteria they were way off the mark.
Having just had a hysterectomy--I can tell you first hand--my hysteria is still going strong drumming right along side the Duracell bunny. If hysteria was supposed to be removed with my womb then my doctor didn't get the memo.
My hysterical condition was diagnosed a few months back. My physician said my uterus had seen its' days and I would be better off without the old plumbing.
Telling my darling husband (here on referred to as DH*) went well, (I suppose), if you consider "Isn't that an ol' lady surgery" a positive response. He is very funny that sweet man, maybe even hysterical. Read More...
Request Responses
October/05/2009 01:39 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Over the years, I have learned that a wife and mother's job description really knows no boundaries. Whether it is wiping tushies, refilling kleenex boxes, cleaning up trails of vomit, making costumes, baking cookies, selling raffle tickets, purchasing gifts for random strangers or driving from here to Chicago in search of the right sport shoes, there seems to be no limit of what my loved ones will request of me after they spout the word "Honey" or "Mom."
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change hearing these terms of endearment for anything else in the world. It is the dragged out slow question forming ending to the word "Honey" and "Mom" that gives me pause. Here it comes, what will they ask of me next? Read More...
Shopping Malls Close: What Will Open in their Place?
May/22/2009 08:32 AM
As shopping malls across the country feel the economic crunch in sales, and shops close down like dominoes falling one after another, malls are becoming hollow empty shells of a past culture that is coming to an end. [See WSJ Recession Turns Malls Into Ghost Towns, Friday, May 22, 2009] Dinosaurs of their times, these oversized massive structures no longer fit the needs or desires of today’s youth or consumers that once drove their success.
Like it or not, the era of excess is over as even the wealthiest cut back and second guess expenditures, and we are all about to face a reality check like never before.
Reality Check No. 1:
We may have to actually drive more than a few miles to get to a shopping mall or store. Public transport may become desirable. Community may resurface. Neighbors may once again need to share home grown produce and cups of sugar...maybe even learn each other’s names.
Read More...
Like it or not, the era of excess is over as even the wealthiest cut back and second guess expenditures, and we are all about to face a reality check like never before.
Reality Check No. 1:
We may have to actually drive more than a few miles to get to a shopping mall or store. Public transport may become desirable. Community may resurface. Neighbors may once again need to share home grown produce and cups of sugar...maybe even learn each other’s names.
Read More...
You're Only As Old As Your Slang
May/13/2009 05:49 PM
Ridin Dirty
It’s funny how age creeps up on you. While watching Q Wreck in a YouTube video the other night it became glaringly obvious that my youth vanished long ago with Milli Vanilli.
The moment Q Wreck pronounced, “I ain’t getting caught riding dirty,” my age began to rival that of a Roman statue.
What does riding dirty mean? I made this inquiry the first order of business on my morning walk with my girlfriends, but let’s face it...they’re as old as me. Poor things. They had good close guesses, but no one knew for certain. And none of them could say they had ever used the phrase nor heard it in play.
My last resort was the link to all things young and hip, the Urban Dictionary.
Read More...
It’s funny how age creeps up on you. While watching Q Wreck in a YouTube video the other night it became glaringly obvious that my youth vanished long ago with Milli Vanilli.
The moment Q Wreck pronounced, “I ain’t getting caught riding dirty,” my age began to rival that of a Roman statue.
What does riding dirty mean? I made this inquiry the first order of business on my morning walk with my girlfriends, but let’s face it...they’re as old as me. Poor things. They had good close guesses, but no one knew for certain. And none of them could say they had ever used the phrase nor heard it in play.
My last resort was the link to all things young and hip, the Urban Dictionary.
Read More...
Fated Nursemaid
January/26/2009 12:54 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Before 8 am my fate was clear. With both husband and child home sick, it was evident I would spend the day playing nursemaid.
By midnight last night, with coughing echoing throughout every corner of my house, I knew that my Monday morning routine would never see daylight. My usual route which runs like clockwork every week, (two plus grocery stores, the car wash, the drug store, the dry cleaner, the gas station, the bank, and Coffee Bean), was cancelled. Call my vendors, I’m a no-show today. Read More...
Kettle One is for the Dogs
January/13/2009 12:42 PM
Kettle One is for the Dogs
by Nicole Hanratty
I’m so done. The holidays are over, I can leave my house without worrying about whether or not I need a gift for anyone I’m about to see and I’ve jumped off of the Fall Holiday Wheel of Events that belongs in my nephews’ hamster cage purchased for their birthdays which they promptly returned after realizing hamsters poop.
January brings sanity, a return to my favorite routines and normalcy. We reclaim our weekends from family commitments and holiday cheer; they are once again free for us to use them as we choose. Read More...
The Perfect Outfit
January/07/2009 12:32 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Every morning I step into my closet with the all-important calendar in hand. With bitter reluctance, I surrender my pajamas to the laundry room and begin the search for the impossible: The Perfect Outfit. Clothes may make the man but they also define the day.
Each event filled 24-hour period of my life falls into a different category and without question requires a corresponding outfit. For instance:
Type A Days: These require a perky coordinated ensemble with a signature piece of flair, (i.e. hat, scarf or necklace) which screams, “High Achiever.” Something that allows me to hurdle backpacks, fight traffic, power through the stack on top of my desk, meet multiple appointments and still gets me to lunch on time! Read More...
New Years 2009
January/01/2009 05:55 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
I could babble on about how bad last year was and how hopeful this year looks but I’m going to dare to be different. The truth is, as bad as last year was--and it was bad--it was also a year full of funny. You have to laugh when you look back to reflect upon the previous twelve months of your life and you are thinking about little more than the ironic, the bewildering and the pitiful. If I could sum up the year in two words it would be Shakespearean Comedy. Read More...
Winter Where?
December/04/2008 05:45 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
November means winter for Nebraska and global warming or not, my Midwest cousins’ teeth begin chattering. The poor boys couldn’t even stay in their seats at Cornhusker Stadium through the end of a football game they attended, but instead had to take shelter in a local bar to get out of the winds that took the 30 degree weather down to what felt like below zero. (Don’t feel too badly for them though, those crazy kids know how to have fun...)
Unfriendly Signs: Crunch Zone
December/04/2008 05:41 PM
Crunch Zone
by Nicole Hanratty
Just a little holiday cheer for all of you who need a smile while you’re meeting the demands of your over-committed calendar this month... Read More...
Thanksgiving Disasters
November/11/2008 05:25 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Thanksgiving is coming and so are the relatives, all of which brings up memories of Thanksgiving Disasters Past.
We’ve had knock down drag outs in Mammoth, flues that cleared tables, been lost on roads that seemed to go in circles on our way to Big Bear, and had arguments that made moving to Syberia seem like a completely plausible solution. Read More...
Multi-Tasking Or Attention Deficit Disorder
November/06/2008 05:19 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
On my way to sit down at my desk to write this article, I heard the dryer ending its cycle. I ventured into my other office--the laundry room--to pull out my husband’s white tee shirts and get them folded while they were still warm and wrinkle-free.
I knew I needed to get my bottom in my desk chair and avoid further distractions, but as I was putting away the fresh laundry I noticed my child’s closet was in desperate need of organization. There were multiple jackets on the floor that needed hangers and shoes that weren’t on shelves. Read More...
Who Do You Blame?
November/04/2008 05:16 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Blame is a funny thing. It shifts responsibility for something that has gone bad or wrong onto someone else. It relieves us from feeling fault, regret or responsibility.
For instance, when anything of value is missing in my home I am quick to start pointing fingers. I rarely, if never, stop and say, “I must have misplaced it!” Inevitably when hours, days or months later the missing valuable item is found--right where I left it--I mutter something under my breath and move past my bad quickly. No formal, or informal, exoneration is ever issued. Read More...
Fighting to Win Pavlik vs. Hopkins
October/23/2008 03:10 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
In the house I grew up, with multiple girls, one can only imagine the number of arguments over clothing that my parents had to settle. I can remember my dad telling us sisters numerous times he was going to hand out boxing gloves and let us “duke it out,”--an expression that dates me for sure because no one uses that phrase anymore.
For the record, although I am the youngest, I am certain that I would have won in every match. (No one borrows my favorite shirt without asking and gets away with it!) Read More...
Bernanke On Main Street
October/01/2008 02:50 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Last Sunday, in an unpredictable turn of events, a Main Street Mom--inspired by none other than Ben Bernanke himself--took over the Command Control Remote in an historic move to seize the malfunctioning operating system and restore a sense of confidence in its ability to proceed fairly.
The acquired asset catapulted her into the position of “Couch Commander,” and there was nothing anyone--not even the House of Representatives--could do to salvage the situation or bail Main Street out of this crisis. Read More...
On Tour
September/23/2008 02:45 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
It’s been a year full of travel and this Rock Star is ready to unpack her suitcases for the remainder of the year.
There have been some bumpy flights, cancelled plans, airport dramas, annoying inconveniences and general travel mayhem along the way, but there were only a few things this Diva (to my husband’s dismay) and our offspring couldn’t handle. The best of the complaints are compiled here in a list for your enjoyment (hopefully) and sympathy (unlikely). Read More...
One Good Compliment
September/08/2008 02:38 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Monday mornings are rarely, if ever, jump out of bed with a smile on your face days. Most of us struggle just to get our feet on the floor and find our way to the coffee pot.
Once we fill our mugs and start to wake up we face the reality of the emails chores and to do lists that must be dealt with for the day. We take a glance at the week at large and instantly begin to long for Friday already.
This morning was no different for me until I logged on to my computer and received the sweetest random compliment (Thank you L!) My negative mood took a turn for the positive side and my errands suddenly didn’t seem so humdrum anymore. Read More...
Sensor Wife
September/05/2008 02:31 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Welcome to my morning.
As my husband and I stand in line one after the other waiting to fill our own coffee cups with fresh pressed coffee from my favorite appliance in the house, (our Miele cup by cup coffee maker that turns out six different flavors--decaf and regular--cappuccinos and espressos), I turned the dial to make my own personally programmed favorite cup of coffee.
My husband stands behind me, empty mug in hand, and asks, “Is the coffee maker actually still programmed for all of the different types of coffee capsules that are in it?”
“Of course,” Miss Organized informs. Read More...
Cereal Diet
August/28/2008 02:25 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
I know my mother in law is panicking right now thinking that I’m about to announce that I have served my husband nothing but cereal for the past week. I can see her and her sister-in-law, (thanks for being one of my most loyal readers Aunt Carol), on the phone right now trying to determine if they should call Husband Protective Services on me. But hold on to those casseroles you’re about to rush over, your son has been eating just fine.
(For all of my serial dieting friends, this one’s for you.)
Rise and shine it’s six a.m.; time to disrobe, hit the scale, and decide whether this an “Egg’s benedict with pancakes on the side, I can eat whatever I want” day or an “I’ll just have fruit” kind of a morning. Will you be shoveling down cheese dip with Tostitos for lunch, (thanks for sharing with me T), or licking the wrapper of your Fi-Bar for extra morsels? Read More...
20 Year Reunion Crashers
August/08/2008 02:04 PM
Kristen Antillon, Heather Lipari and
NicoleHanratty,
20-Year Reunion Crashers
by Nicole Hanratty
Chatsworth High School Class of 1988 had their twenty-year high school reunion last Saturday night and yours truly was among the younger classman who crashed in on it.
How could I resist?
No. 1 My sister, who so lovingly toted her younger sister out and about with her to all of the fun parties, was in that class. I couldn’t miss seeing all those older boys I hung out with while avoiding the less cool guys my own age and her fun loving girlfriends who never left me out of the joke. Read More...
Absence Makes the Heart Grow More Appreciative
July/28/2008 01:57 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
There is one sure way to make your husband appreciate you ladies... Leave the house for a month and clear out your refrigerator before you say au revoir!
Yes, I did do that and yes it did prove my point.
I would like to send a special thanks to my mom and my mother-in-law for offering to do my husband’s laundry for him and prepare him meals. (Aren’t we girls supposed to stick together?) Read More...
Dog Flight
June/30/2008 01:48 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Family vacations are always fun! They really bring out the best in marriages. Find me a couple traveling with children and I’ll show you a husband and wife who are bickering over the responsibilities that go along with it. Throw a dog into the traveling mix and I’ll show you an all out battle.
Were it not against all laws of matrimony, the picture above would be of my loving husband asleep with his mouth wide open sitting on the plane totally oblivious to the world around him. Which brings me to the nice man who was, unfortunately for him, seated next to me and left to fill my hubby’s sleeping shoes. Read More...
Promotion At Work
June/23/2008 01:42 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Dear all of my Rock Star friends,
I have such exciting news and I want to share it with all of my readers first! Rest assured that you are the first to read it, hear it and know it...
Yours truly has received a promotion! I am now and here forward the President of Household Operations of the Hanratty Residence! Read More...
Summertime Fun
June/20/2008 01:30 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
How many days, hours or minutes were your kids released from school and let out into the wild before you hammered them down with “The Lecture?” You know the one... “If this is how you’re going to act then I’m signing you up for ____(insert torturous activity, e.g. summer school, macrame, volunteer work)___ and shipping you off to ____(insert undesirable location, e.g. Great Grandma’s house, sleep away camp in Yuma, Arizona)___.
I like to keep a scratch count of how many times during the summer I actually reiterate that lecture. When my scratch count begins to resemble a never-ending picket fence on a long drive in the country, I usually decide it is time for one. I strap on my seatbelt and don’t look back... Read More...
Midlife Crisis
June/15/2008 01:12 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Okay, so I am a little behind, but I recently downloaded I Heart Huckabees from iTunes to my iPhone. If only I had watched this movie before I went through my first midlife crises... Darn it! Now, I have to go through it all over again!
What is so troubling about this existential comedy that has me all wound up? In a word, me! I think it is a problem when someone relates more to a movie than real life and in this film, I found myself wanting to jump in and embrace the characters as if they were my personal spiritual gurus. They made me think more about my own religious beliefs, (which, to be fair, is a cocktail concoction of some version of Judaism, Christianity and Yoga “Lite&rdquo
, than five years of Catholic school ever did. Confused? Don’t worry, so is my family. Read More...I Always Wanted To
May/27/2008 01:03 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Every morning I wake up, run to the mirror and check to see if it is finally visible and obvious! But each day, I walk away confused and wondering why there is nothing noticeably different about me.
It has to be a mistake. Or, maybe, other people can see it and I just can’t. There absolutely must be some type of sign on my forehead that reads, “Hey Strangers! Please tell me everything you have always wanted to do, but never have!” Read More...
Idol Gives Back Bake Sale
May/21/2008 12:54 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Today’s school fundraiser is a bake sale for Idol Gives Back. It is a great cause and I am more than happy to tie on my apron and put my over-priced kitchen appliances to work! When I put on my Baker Extraordinaire Chef’s Hat there is no limit to what I can create but the number one request was for home made cupcakes. Read More...
Bedtime Routines
May/15/2008 12:43 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Ah, bedtime routines. They're not just for newborns...we all have them. In fact, through adulthood, many of us rely upon them to fall asleep and some of us simply can't operate without them.
In my house, I believe that our bedtime routines are so vital that they actually directly affect the cosmic pull of the earth's rotation. I am so superstitious about all of these Ground Hog Day things happening over and over again that I wait for them, watch for them and then, BAM! When they happen, I check them off my list one by one and am slowly reassured that all is right with the world... Read More...
Blending Fun
May/12/2008 12:20 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
To watch the video clip on Fox 11 at Melange
Apothecary:
Click Here
Some friends are worth a 5 a.m. wake up call and a lot of extra primping. I can’t think of very many people that could make me set my alarm clock for one minute earlier than my normal daily routine already requires, but Denise Estrada is definitely one of them.
Last Friday morning was an exercise in “How to feed the dependents, make the lunches, get through the carpool line, walk the dog, pluck your eyebrows, apply camera-ready make-up, work the hair into an acceptable style and slip into an outfit that doesn’t scream, ‘I’m dressed all wrong!’” Read More...
Spray On Tan
May/08/2008 12:14 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
With summer around the corner, a tan is vital to pulling off shorts, sundresses and tank tops without anyone being scared off by your ghostly white existence! The pressure is on to show up bronzed, but this wrinkle-a-phoebe doesn’t want to appear 80 before her time, so I booked the next available appointment at a swanky salon for a hand painted Spray-On Tan.
Never had one? I hadn’t either... and my guess is, I never will again. Read More...
Charity Function Mayhem
May/05/2008 09:18 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
What could be more fun at a charity function than observing the “haves” put it all on the line for the “have-nots”? It’s certainly amusing to watch how the grown-ups behave when they get a night out to play...
What might you notice? Here’s my top ten checklist that hits the mark every time: Read More...
A Dog's Life Isn't So Bad
April/29/2008 09:05 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Dog is such a complicated word. There are multiple expressions that utilize it with a variety of meanings. For example: being “a dog’s age” makes you ancient; “dogging it” is a cop out; “a dog’s life” is not an enviable one; “every dog has his day” gives us all hope that we may one day win the lottery; “letting sleeping dogs lie” is usually a wise decision; “going to the dogs” is a degenerative existence; “putting on the dog” shows off your wealth; while “teaching an old dog new tricks” forces us to break our old bad habits. Read More...
Charity, Earth Week and Klean Kanteens
April/24/2008 08:51 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
What do Charities, Earth Week and Klean Kanteens have in common? I believe they all just might carry a bigger message that everyone should hear...
Last Friday night was a very elegant fundraising affair for Children’s Hospital Los Angeles. (Next time, someone please remind me to bring Kleenex!) The event raises money to support the hospital and brings in guest speakers, (children who have been there and benefited from this amazing facility), to break your heart and soften any stronghold you might have on your wallet. The illnesses children face seem absolutely overwhelming and unsolvable. Read More...
The Dodgers are Going All the Way
April/21/2008 08:30 PM
The Dodgers Are Going
All the Way This Year...
by Nicole Hanratty
The Dodgers beat the Pittsburgh Pirates last Wednesday night 8 to 1. (Here’s the whole scoop.)
It was the first Dodger game we attended this season and we loved every minute of it! First stop, new hat purchase. Second stop, Dodger Dogs. Third stop, the best seats in the house - compliments of my husband’s client. Read More...
Lunch at Geoffreys
April/18/2008 08:23 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
See and be seen at Geoffreys in Malibu. That’s where I was spotted this week escaping reality on a perfect afternoon. My two favorite friends swooped me down to the beach to a surprise destination that I couldn’t have enjoyed more. (Thank you Richel and Stacey!)
For starters, the view is amazing! If you order up the right day, you will be enjoying a beautiful afternoon and I guarantee you will not want to leave this haven. One hour lunches are simply not acceptable. A two hour minimum is required for full enjoyment, but really even those are just for newbies. Put on your sunglasses and stay awhile. Read More...
Now Moms Kick Soccer Moms Off the Field
April/11/2008 08:13 PM
Moms off the Field
by Nicole Hanratty
A new generation of mothers is stepping onto the soccer field in support of their kids, and they are doing it in style. They are Now Moms, and they have a whole new attitude with a wardrobe to match.
Everywhere you look, Now Moms are coming up with ways to buck the trends set by their predecessors. They are no longer relating motherhood with dressing in unfashionable clothing. They aren’t driving boring minivans and they aren’t ruining everything. They aren’t forgetting what it was like to be a kid. They aren’t keeping their mouth shut about important topics like sex and drugs when it comes to educating their children. And, they aren’t cooking dinner every night. Sometimes, they’re ordering it online from their iphone. Read More...
Spring DVD Cleaning
April/09/2008 08:03 PM
Spring DVD Cleaningby Nicole Hanratty
“My mother made me do it!” I can hear my child years from now relaying the whole incident in the therapist’s office...
Couched Child: “It was spring, 2008. My life was great and I really was so appreciative of everything my parents did for me. I always said thank you and I never asked for things in excess. I had to be, like, the dream child. So this one day, after I had done all of my chores; cleaned my room, made my bed, took out the trash, walked the dog, did the dishes and swept the floor in the kitchen, I thought I would approach my mom in a sweet loving way with a request for a new DVD. There was this movie that I wanted that I was dying to have! I had wanted it my whole life and I really thought that if I caught my mother on a good day she would say yes!” Read More...
Bag Quest 2008
April/07/2008 07:56 PM
Bag Quest 2008by Nicole Hanratty
Whose Got the It Bag Now? The Bag Ladies, that’s who!
The Los Angeles Kings season finale seemed the perfect place for a group debut of the new Spring 2008 “It” bags. Yes, that’s me pictured above on the left with the impossible to obtain cement colored mesh fisherman style Giorgio Armani handbag that is more fabulous that you can believe! In the middle is gorgeous Stacey Uberstine with the absolutely perfect red colored Marina GM from the Monogram Mini Lin Croisette line by Louis Vuitton. To the far right is the stunning Richel Roggin with the to-die-for bronze colored Mahina by Louis Vuitton and hiding inside is the must-have matching wallet. These girls know how to shop for handbags and that makes them tops in my pocketbook!
There is no denying it, I choose my friends based on the purses they carry and the lengths they are willing to go through to obtain them. These two moms certainly make the cut and I’m sure you can see why… I’m not at liberty to divulge all the details of their Bag Quests, but I can tell you that a flight over a large body of water was involved!
Obtaining the “It” bag for spring is my recently discovered obsession. My personal purse motto is, “If you’re not stalking it, you’re not trying hard enough!” I’m on my best behavior all winter long earning Wonderful Wife points to justify every ounce of effort and expense that must be garnered into getting the beloved bag.
The Bag Quest begins in January. I start scouring the planet for the hot handbag that will be the envy of every fashionista I pass on the street. I am certifiably wild about it! I search every magazine, advertisement and catalog to spot what I hope will be the Bag of the Year. The Bag I can’t live without, the one I will track down and purchase at any price. The one people will stop me to ogle. The one cheap knock-offs will try to imitate.
When I finally spot it, I employ a top-secret operational plan of attack, which I cannot reveal for obvious competitive reasons. Warning: Do not try this at home. I have special training and contacts in the CIA.
When the call finally comes in that the purse is in the bag, I’ll stop at nothing to get it! Last year I left a birthday party early to wait at home to sign for the much-anticipated delivery. This year I called in a favor from my ex-husband (yes, Ex) and asked him to send his courier to pick it up for me. Every resource is called upon to get that handbag safely home to momma…
Who else is carrying my limited edition Armani “It” bag this year? Word on the street is it’s just a select lucky few along with some of our celebrity friends.
And when my husband asks me “How much did it cost?” I answer him honestly. “I really don’t know… When you find the bag of your dreams, price is irrelevant!” Then I see the look of disappointment in his face. Oops, I did it again. “I promise dear, next year I’ll ask how much before it is delivered.”
Au revoir for now…n
Copyright 2008 Nicole Hanratty
Watered Down
April/03/2008 07:50 PM
Watered Downby Nicole Hanratty
With so many sayings about water, it would be a shame not to dig deeper into the well and find out what is it about this clear combination of chemicals that we drink up.
Important and flawless people, like my husband, can supposedly walk on water. (Hey, I need all the brownie points I can get!) Stubborn people are led to water but cannot be forced to take in what is obviously good for them. (Kids not eating their veggies?) A forgiven disagreement is said to be water under the bridge. Translation: A compassionate husband understanding the American Express bill balance... Sorry dear, I know sometimes I spend money like water. Weak assertions are not strong enough not to hold water. (“We’re just friends!” Yeah, right.) Water and oil don’t mix. (Could this be a reference to In-Laws?) And everyone knows loyalty goes to the kin because blood is thicker than water. (Don’t even think of hurting someone in my family or you’ll be in hot water...) Read More...
Carpool Rules To Drive By
April/02/2008 07:28 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Careful all you kiddy carpool drivers there are strict rules that govern these lines and if you break them you risk expulsion!
While they may seem obvious to most of us, occasionally they need to be spelled out clearly (or passed out on fliers) and reviewed so that none of us gets into any trouble for being in violation. Read More...
Spring Break Maui
March/30/2008 07:18 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Spring Break 2008 my crew hit Maui taking over every inch of the resort with our commanding presence. With a pail full of prescription drugs, we were a motley crew of three families with more dysfunction than function and we laughed our way through five days of fun.
In true Rock Star fashion, we had private cabanas rented all over the property and squatters who took over them every time we headed for a dip in the pool. Someone call security! “Yes, it’s us again...” Silly me, I always interpreted reserved signs as meaning “Someone Paid a Lot of Money for This Chair” but apparently others see them as “Remove Sign, Move Chair Two Feet and Call It Your Own.” Read More...
Footloose
March/17/2008 07:13 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
If only I were the barefoot type. My husband would be so thrilled! Unfortunately for him, I’m all about shoes.
You can’t keep me from buying them, (although my adoring husband sure does try) and you will rarely, if ever, see me barefoot. Even at home, I pad around in shoes or slippers. This Diva can’t stand the feeling of a cold floor on her feet or any particle that might be found in the crevices of her path. Call me a princess but shoes are never far from my soles! Read More...
The Way I See It
March/11/2008 07:08 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Good morning coffee drinkers! I know you’re up, caffeinated and ready to start the day.
Here’s a little something for you to nibble on while you pour that next cup.
Recently I completed a pain-staking study* contemplating the different types of coffee drinkers** and I am just brewing to share my very unscientific non-factual completely not concrete findings*** with you!**** Read More...
Bikini Season Has Begun
March/09/2008 06:58 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
FYI! Bikini Days 2008 have begun! And, from now ‘til October, there’s no other outfit I’d rather wear! I’ll be shopping for one cute suit for every day of the week and two for Saturdays, (one for the sand and one for late night hot tubbing!)
I know not everyone gets to spend their Sundays lunching by the Pacific Ocean, feeling the hot sun, refreshing breeze and sand between their toes, but I did today. Lucky me! There’s no place finer than Malibu’s own Paradise Cove to spend a beautiful perfect spring day. The overly crowded beach is a great reminder that summer is just around the corner. Are you ready? Read More...
Save the Socks
March/06/2008 06:49 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Ah... laundry day. Fresh hot out of the dryer comes a clean pair of socks. One seems to have a little hole in the sole, the other doesn’t. Should you toss the whole pair? Save the good one in case you are ever in need of an extra? Or roll their tops together and quietly sneak them back into the drawer? (After all, a little extra ventilation never hurt anybody, did it?)
Before you judge, open your own sock drawers. Go ahead! Look through all of them. I dare you. I guarantee you will find at least one sock with holes in it! Read More...
Weather Wars
March/03/2008 06:20 PM
By Nicole Hanratty
It’s always fun to brag about the great weather that we have in Southern California to my not so lucky cousins that live with freezing cold temperatures, ice, sleet and snow! They are always jealous when at this time of year we are enjoying 80 degree weather with blue skies, while they are still shoveling out their driveways... Who needs seasons anyway?
I really like to rub it in by sending photos of myself at the beach, driving in a convertible, applying sunscreen, BBQing in the backyard, donning shades and even an umbrella to keep the warm sun off of my back! Read More...
Parenting Without Panic
February/28/2008 05:53 PM
By Nicole Hanratty
It has to be said right off, that I am borrowing this title, “Parenting without Panic,” from a seminar advertised on a local high school’s upcoming events board.
Now most people would drive by a sign like this and think, “Very appropriate in today’s time. I might have to check that out.” I drive by a sign like this and think, “There’s my next article!”
So, without further ado, it is my pleasure to announce the winner of this year’s Best Example of an Oxymoron! Read More...
And the Winner is...
February/24/2008 05:34 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
All dressed up in my favorite winter white outfit, I was out for the night at a glamorous Hollywood style Academy Awards viewing party. The “Celebrity Parking Only” sign held my spot in the driveway and cameras were flashing as I entered the party in my own mind.
Kids were running the show and the High School Musical Wii game was going strong on the big screen! Can anyone else feel our pain? Read More...
Lysol Queen Goes Crazy
February/21/2008 05:28 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Tonight on the eleven o’clock news... After a brutal flu season, a local mother starts out with the intent of sanitizing her home but “allegedly” the fumes go to her head.
(cue music) Good evening everyone!
They’re calling her the “Lysol Queen.” Officers said when they arrived at her home last night the woman admitted to “Lysol”ing her house non-stop for twelve hours straight.
It started with the couch that her husband had been attached to for four days, then she moved on to door knobs, bathroom fixtures, kitchen appliance handles and she couldn’t bring herself to stop. Read More...
Road Rage
February/16/2008 05:13 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Personally, I don’t have any Road Rage. But there are certain things I just can’t understand...
For instance, what happened to common courtesy and letting people change lanes so they can exit the freeway?
Why am I getting honked at when I’m stopped waiting for a pedestrian to cross the street? They do still have the right away last time I checked.
Why are people so hesitant to turn left at arrow signals? Green means go! Heck, even a little yellow means go! How many of these signals do I have to sit through? Should I get out a book? Read More...
Mom, MD
February/08/2008 04:11 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
I love the phone calls from school that start, “Mrs. Hanratty, I don’t want to alarm you, but...” Forget it. You already have.
Does anyone know if Ebay sells manuals for children? Mine seem to be missing... And right about now, I could really use one.
What scares me the most is the relief on the face of school personnel when I show up, as if I have all the answers! “I’m just a mom,” I think to myself in a panic. “I don’t know what to do!” Read More...
Did You Get the Hash Browns?
February/05/2008 03:49 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
It’s seven a.m. My day started two hours ago. (Self-imposed; no need for violins.) But any minute now, my adorable husband will return home from the gym, open the refrigerator and ask me, “Did you get the hash browns yet?” I will have to reply, “No.”
Yes, it is true; we have been out of them for over a week. But I have not been to the Hash Brown Market in over a week. (Fever, flu, strep throat- but really, no excuses please!) His sad face will make me feel guilty as if I don’t do anything else during the day and I really have no valid reason for not providing him with his beloved hash browns.
But this is really just the tip of the iceberg. My shortcomings fall so much greater than this.
Here is a list of other things I have not yet done: Read More...
Catch Me On a Good Day
January/28/2008 02:24 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
I would love to tell all of my loyal readers that my life is fabulous every single day and that it is action packed filled with excitement and glamour. Even better would be to tell you all that I wake up every day with a brilliant smile on my face ready to tackle the world. Au contraire, my friends! Au contraire! My life is a polarized fusion of savoir faire and banality.
On any given day you could catch me doing any or all of the following in my husband’s self-envisioned french maid’s uniform: cleaning up the dog’s homemade special gifts left just for lucky me to clean up in the backyard; patronizing not one but three markets I’m required to frequent each week to accommodate the particular appetites/food allergies in my ingredient-challenged family; ironing extra crisp creases in the ever-looming laundry pile; restocking perfumed soaps (melangeapothecary.com) in the washrooms; tackling stacks of mail (i.e. bills) trying to organize my overtaxed desk; running four thousand errands none of which are for my own personal benefit; and carrying around my aforementioned dog who can’t stand to be without me for even a moment while I perform aforementioned chores. Read More...
Carpool Drama
January/27/2008 02:37 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
This just in... School Carpool - a hotspot for drama! Bleary eyed mom’s do morning drive by hello waves, catching some and avoiding others. Watch out though, that innocent wave hello or lack thereof could be misconstrued. A turn of the head, a major snub.
Every morning and every afternoon, school parking lots and carpool lines bring about the very best and the very worst in those who navigate them.
Outfits are judged. “What is she wearing, anyway?” “Could that tennis skirt be any shorter?” “Didn’t she just wear that last week?” “Are those her only jeans?” “I always wear four inch heels to drop off my child...” “Oh, for the love of God, who does she think she’s kidding? Hasn’t she heard the rule? No mini skirts after age 35.” “Does she own that same Juicy sweat outfit in every color? (Lucky!)” Read More...
Living the Life of a Rock Star™
January/25/2008 01:12 PM
by Nicole Hanratty
Ever wonder why, as a mother, you can spend 20 minutes on a Saturday morning standing in front of your husband and daughter trying to engage in conversation with no response until you walk away to use the bathroom?
“Knock! Knock! Knock!” Someone is pounding on the bathroom door as if it can’t wait.
“Is somebody bleeding?” I holler as I instantly revert back to my camp counselor days.
“No, but I just wanted to tell you Mommy that next week at school I want hot lunch on Tuesday.”
“Okay honey. I’ll jot that down on a tiny piece of toilet paper.”
“Knock! Knock! Knock!”
“Yeeeessss....” Now I have realized my fate.
“Oh, honey, you’re in there,” my husband responds as if he has just discovered me after a long journey.
I mean really, if I’m not in the kitchen or the laundry room, where else would I be? Read More...
