Spray On TAn 
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Satirical Commentary By Nicole Hanratty
 
 
With summer around the corner, a tan is vital to pulling off shorts, sundresses and tank tops without anyone being scared off by your ghostly white existence! The pressure is on to show up bronzed, but this wrinkle-a-phoebe doesn’t want to appear 80 before her time, so I booked the next available appointment at a swanky salon for a hand painted Spray-On Tan. Never had one? I hadn’t either... and my guess is, I never will again. I walked into the posh salon excited to get tan! I was going to leave there a new woman, confident, fabulous and naturally beautiful! I would be simply glowing with sophistication! I was super excited to acquire my expensive tan that would make my bikini and me friends once again! Did I have too high of expectations? Maybe. But it’s not like I was thinking it was going to make me look like I lost weight! (Okay, so I did...) I tried to act cool, like I had no problem disrobing in front of the woman who was about to hand spray my naked body. She had given me a pair of paper g-string underwear to put on and yes, they are as awful as they sound. They covered nothing! Worse yet, their small size seemed only to emphasize my own feeling personal largeness in my naked state. I stood in front of this woman with only a paper strand covering my lower discretionary area. Now she wasn’t thinner than me, but at least she had her clothing on! I, on the other hand, was standing on an elevated step about two feet off the ground with my arms and legs spread eagle and wearing nothing more than the paper band-aid. “Turn around please,” she instructed me. Let the humiliation begin! So, to avoid the staggeringly uncomfortable experience of my clothes-less behind in her face, I began to chatter. Chatter uncontrollably. So much so that I began to figure out this woman’s life story. I asked her so many questions that I actually figured out exactly who she was. And that was where it all went wrong. She was an old acquaintance of my ex-husband who had years before solicited him with something she had to offer in exchange for something he could give her in return. Yes, he was married to me at the time. And yes, she was capable of going through with it. As you might guess, it didn’t go over well with me. Flash forward ten years later and I was standing in my bare state being sprayed tanned down by her. She had no idea who I was! All the blood in my body raced to my heart, which began pumping a million beats per minute. Mother of Pearl. Holy Cannoli. (Okay, so that is the clean version of what I was thinking.) “Get me the heck out of here!” I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t! If I revealed who I was, I risked her streaking me badly and I would leave the salon resembling an orange striped tiger! I swallowed hard and told myself that if I could get through childbirth, I could get through this. When she left me to dry with a timer in the spread eagle position for fifteen minutes, I watched that timer like I was in a torture chamber. It was completely humiliating, degrading, and horrible to be standing there at this woman’s mercy after she had just gotten a complete and no holds bar look at my body. When the timer clock (thank you Jesus!) finally went off, I threw on my clothes faster than you can say, “I’m never coming to this place again for the rest of my life I don’t care if I love the make up girl here and she is one of my closest friends or that I have a $500 gift certificate for more services! I will never step foot in this salon again! Run, Forest, Run!” And with that I was at the front door checking out in ten seconds flat. Spray Tan Girl came up to ask me if I would like to buy a package of six more sessions because “they would be cheaper to buy in bulk.” She said this happily and with a smile. I said, “No thank you,” as nicely as I could. She looked at me with total confusion. Had she done something wrong? Yes she had...a long time ago and in a whole different life, but I would never be coming back again. Next time, you can be sure I’ll hit a self-serve spray tan salon like Apple, Suri and Shiloh do in Spray Tan Rap (the funniest music video online) at www.WhateverHollywood.com. Those girls have the right idea! Au revoir for now...n 2008 Copyright Nicole Hanratty http://www.whateverhollywood.com/bios.phphttp://www.whateverhollywood.com/video/2008/05/spray_tan.htmlhttp://www.WhateverHollywood.comshapeimage_7_link_0shapeimage_7_link_1shapeimage_7_link_2
Thursday, May 8, 2008
 
Spray On Tan by Nicole Hanratty
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