Lysol Queen Goes Crazy
 
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By Nicole Hanratty Satirical Commentary
 
 
Tonight on the eleven o’clock news... After a brutal flu season, a local mother starts out with the intent of sanitizing her home but “allegedly” the fumes go to her head. (cue music) Good evening everyone! They’re calling her the “Lysol Queen.” Officers said when they arrived at her home last night the woman admitted to “Lysol”ing her house non-stop for twelve hours straight. It started with the couch that her husband had been attached to for four days, then she moved on to door knobs, bathroom fixtures, kitchen appliance handles and she couldn’t bring herself to stop. Her husband called authorities when he arrived home from work and dinner was not yet cooked for him. His wife made him wash his hands and then she strip searched him for any parasites or germs. He says she proceeded to “Lysol” him and forced him to stay put while she sprayed down his briefcase as well. The man was reportedly terrified for his life. By the time police arrived, the woman was wearing her daughter’s homecoming queen tiara and parading around the house with a homemade “Lysol Queen” sash that she had created out of antibacterial hand wipes stapled together. Neighbors had become concerned earlier when white clouds were escaping all of the windows and a constant hissing noise was heard, but said they didn’t call authorities because the woman had always seemed so “normal” to them. In hand cuffs on her front lawn, when interviewed by police, the so-called “Lysol Queen” was asked why she did it. “I just couldn’t stand the thought of him being home sick one more day!” was all she responded. Before she was placed in the back of the police cruiser, her daughter was seen making a dive for the tiara. Her husband was left in the drive way shouting as the vehicle pulled away, “What about my dinner?!” The woman is expected to face arraignment tomorrow morning. We hope her jail cell is clean. Au revoir for now... n Copyright Nicole Hanratty 2008 Lysol Queen Goes Crazy by Nicole Hanratty
Thursday, February 21, 2008
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